People are so fucking selfish OMG... My "friends" have been showing their true colors lately and its not a good sight. I'm slowing adapting to being by myself all the time and coping with my own problems. But you know what, I will still be there for them when they decide to not give me their backs anymore BECAUSE THATS THE TYPE OF GIRL I AM. I don't hold grudges but I do remember shit, foul shit that you do then go and call yourself my "friend"? Get the fuck out of here man. Where the hell did loyalty go? Did all ya bitches forget the meaning of a friendship? I guess so.... Anyway from now on I vow to myself to only count on myself for everything cause thats how shit has to be now. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Not much changes but the people.

Bitches are so fucking stupid now a days.... so many many fakes out here. Can't deal.

I wonder why I never learn my lesson.

I've been trying to run away from my past trying to change the person I was before. I'm sick and tired of going through the same shit over and over again so here I go looking for a better solution today.Who will I be tomorrow? I need to get it right man cause it feels like im running out of time.

Without having the inability to speak, my mind will be shut behind big metal gates. I wouldn't be able to express myself to this world to which is oblivious to love but open to hate. Sin has been around since adam and eve and still we believe if we pray we will be clean of our bad deeds. When you redeem you will see the light

Completely careless.

As the days go by, I can't help but remain still. The silence eats up my soul and leaves nothing, if there was anything to begin with. I refrain from the world so much because I'm afraid of hurt and dispassion and ignorance and what other people have to say. But to come to think of it, these people, YOU, do not know what journeys and downfalls I have encountered. So who are you to judge me? I live to make myself content and sometimes make those close to me happy. I need to do what makes me smile and gives me bliss. I wan't to be able to wear what I want without eyes burning holes in the back of my neck. I WAN'T TO BE FREE. Let go of all my insecurities and live a completely careless life.

I had decions that I've put off for the fact of fear. It made eveything so complicated when I was so near. I couldn't accomplish my goal, I'm not even whole.

..

Never had I pictured it this way. Nothing went according to plan. There were so many fuck ups and mistakes I soon knew I would regret. But I took my chances anyway, and stuck with the outcome.

rant

Life is really coming to me now. I don't have to wait for weekends to have my fun. I could do what i want when I want. Especially since the nice weather is arriving I know summer 2010 is going to be great. I can't wait for school to be over, and I can't wait till I go to Cali. xoxo

Kiddo.

They say your true colors come out when your going through tuff times. I now see that you are a little shithead like the rest of them. Name calling won't get you anywhere, I understand that helps your ego but come on, did you really have to go that low? Do yourself the favor and grow up.

A lot on my mind.

I can't take the pressure anymore. Its building up it feels like I'm ready to burst any mintue now. I know I'm not perfect but I am surely capeable of many other things. As I try to gasp for another breath of air, my eyes are saying something thats not even there. I don't wan't to be different I just want to be me . It's so simple like an apple falling from a tree. Imagine me wandering aimlessly, hopelessly that so unlike me. When this sadness fades away thats just when my heart fails me.

"I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why."
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

Zoe Kravits

Doubt

Is known to mess up your train of thoughts. It makes things complicated because you always think "what if?" and that what if can go a long way. And you know Biggie said only do something if your heart is in it. Transitioning from doubt to success may take a while but never let your hopes go, but cause that also can go a long way.

TWO complex.

No one knows me better than myself, and that is true. Sometimes I fight my own self because I know whats right but just yearn to do wrong. I always remind myself that there will be better days though, because if I dont I'll probably loose it. I am aware of my past but the key to that door is no longer around. The mistakes I made will no longer have a hold on me. I made a vow to my future that I will be emotionally prepared for whatever comes my way. You never know what tomorrow will bring so hold on tight. I never really fathomed the whole concept of death but lets not get into that on this post.. But I never let anyone get too close, I sometimes even push myself away. My standards for living are easy , I'm complex only when I dont know, you know? HA I am to complex for myself.

Demented serenity.

I keep trying to hide, but they always seem to find me. I loose intrest to soon, and I may come off as a little rude but this is who I am, I tried changing my ways but what else can a girl do ? I don't mean to break your heart but you should have worn it on your sleeve. Didn't they tell you love isn't always crack up to what its suppose to be? All these fairytales and movies only tease you and make you believe, because none of that is real it only happens in our dreams. So baby don't take it personal, take a shot of this henny and get comftable. Reality always seems to crush my fantasys.

Selena

She was so beautiful <3

I'll make it.

I want my life to get exciting, to be fun ; not average. But I know for that to happen I have to make it work. I won't just wait and see what floats by and jump on, no sorry I won't. I know I have misinterperted many opportunitys and turned them down but knowningly they could have got me to some other place rather than here. I am a dreamer and also a believer. I will achieve this ( you better believe her ). My time to shine will come soon enough, I just have to get the heavy stuff out the way so that I could live a good life. I don't want to be a bum who has done nothing with their life after highschool. That won't be me I promise.

Sometimes it is scarey looking yourself in the mirror, we all know our insecurities could eat us alive.

Nothing is forever.

This is something like my 'motto'. I've lived by this all my life basically. This is one reason why I never take relationships seriously. I rather keep my time than waste it. Taking risks is something I rarely do because I know I'll come out of there loosing something. Man I don't know. My whole marriage dreams are starting to get crushed. Getting married has been one of my main dreams since my child hood no lie, but I guess that applies to all females; right? Well as I get older I noticed a lot of things. I noticed that the couples you see on the street all happy and jolly and sometimes that you envy, they aren't as perfect as they look. Every realtionship has its sets of problems. And guys? They are very tricky, you have to distinguish the good ones from the bad ones early because if you don't you'll be fucked; literally.

Fatigue, depression?

I haven't been myself lately. I've been REAL tired, like extremely tired that I fell out in my Math class everyday this week. That's not me seriously. I have been playing Trey Songz all week. Like I don't know I might be depressed or something. Because I did experience a break-up recently you know. And I came to a realization that I made a bad one a few months back, but hey it is what it is.. He won't have me back. I have to get my act together thought but this fatigue is killing me slowly. It's messing with my life. Talking about my life it has be supersocial. And knowing me I'm kind of anti-social. (long sigh ) well this is it for now, later.

All I ever wanted.`

I can't find myself at this very moment, I am emotionally distressed. I will not walk around aimlessly because that is out of my character. You tore me apart, and I know that nothing lasts forever. But I expected more from you I guess thats where I slipped up. It's okay though because I'm doing fine. I remember those times when you had me going out my mind, but not no more baby. Someone better will come along and do what you couldn't. Which was make me happy; thats all I ever wanted.

Sick and tired.

I have trust issues, and I don't know if I could ever overcome that. I sometimes tend to loose people in my life because of this obstacle in the way. It's slighty sad that at times there is a HUGE barrier between my emotions and I. It's exhausting something that is physically and mentally draining me.

Badest truth

I'm so caught up, I'm so overwhelmed. It feels like I'm going crazy please go and get me some help. I'm so far gone, and yes I'm alone. I only roll with myself in case you didn't know. People claim this, people claim that , Im not believing nothing untill you prove all of that. I love myself too much to give it up that easy, baby I'm a lady it takes a lot to please me.

Ms. Ryder , you are one of my fave's <3

Lately..

So I'm sitting here with this incredible tooth ache. It's REALLY annoying! I mean really, I'm sure you know the feeling. Well I haven't wrote in a long time, I have to get back on my grizzy. I have been uninspired, tired or just plain lazy to write. Or maybe I didn't have anything worth writing or something that interesting to keep you or myself entertained. I've been living my life and enjoying it to say the least. The nice weather lately has given me the opportunity to actually chill, hang out and walk around. And I like it because that means less time at home. I'm going to continue taking it easy and doing me as usual. Life you have been treating me awesome, keep it coming please !

Trust no one.

I've came a long way from where I was in my past. And whenever situations arise where I am destined to move foward or backward , I always try to move foawrd. I hate going back into my past because all of that is already over and done with. Yes there are times when I sit and reminisce about the good times, but they have faded. So its up to me to make new memories ; better ones. At times I admit to being distant from people but thats something my past implanted in me. I can't seem to trust the people I want to trust. Because in the back of my mind "Trust no one" will forever be there.

Why is everyone so concerned about my sex life? Don't you have your own to worry about?!

Long gone

All I did was love you. But when shit started to get funny I had to switch up my style up. I was in denial for a while because i thought you were different. How naive of me , you could have stuck a knife in my back and still I wouldn't leave. I thought I couldn't breathe without you but truth is I'm exhaling better now. I have one less thing to worry about , baby you're so long gone.

me

At times I feel like smokeing my life away. But I always hope for better days and they never let me down. I always keep my head up even if my heart is at war. I do have something to live for or in that case someone and that is myself.

Sometimes I don't think I just act. And that gets me in touble. Because peoples feelings get hurt and then I'm the one to blame. I can't help myself if everything I say is true. I speak bluntly to get my point across to you. And Im never one to sugar coat anything.Honesty is key but it might bring you enemys. Open your eyes and realize that this is a cold cut world. No one truly cares.

Memories go along with the ashes in my ashtray. My past is something I no longer associate with but why must it still linger? It's been a pest for as long as I can remember. I am fed up..


To be continued.

I don't know how to respond to ya ungenuine people. I can't even relate won't ever let you take me out on a date. I don't even know why ya attempt its the same old story its time to redempt.

Can I live ?

At times I don't even feel my own self, I ain't even going to lie. I feel dissapointed and agressive when things don't go my way. I get scared because when you loose, you start to become unfamiliar with yourself. And finding yourself again is not an easy situation to be in. Sitting around contemplateing wether or not this is the life you want to live, you'll give it all for a happy ending and some good kids. Unfortunately a lot of things are not handed to us like most people, but all am saying is can I live?

Battle field

My pride is getting the best of me right now. I can't express myself the way I fully want to. I don't know if I should follow my heart because we know that's the most deceiving of em all. What am I to do when my mind is telling me no, but my heart is tugging?




To be continued...

Simplicity isn't a form or fact in that matter that comes along so easily. It does not come in a jar, bottled up , or packaged. Are you catching my drift? Well good. Us beings have to make it through life, wether if its from a struggle, never ending battles (sometimes with ourselfs) or just disatisfaction with thy self. Mainly prior to our aggorance we mislead our motives and they become alterier motives, and that my friends is not a good thing. You may be oblivious to this in the begining of course because this, you prioritze into a utopia. Your world goes un-realistic and everything will revolve around you. People will try and emulate you but we all know the original is always better than the copy.

Check.

As I watch life pass me by in a blink of an eye, I learn quite a lot. You either educate yourself in some roads and other you get taught in. School doesn't aknowledge you on the hard stuff. It's really fast, this thing we call life. Some times I have to check my grip because I loose it from time to time. Life is a heatbreak unless you make it special. Don't be up tight and be social. Memories have a big impact on us as emotional beings. Somtimes we go through unbearable things and keep it locked up inside us. It's not healthy, you start to go crazy. Being sane was never a part of me.

Soft spoken memories.

He came in barging through the door. He didn't say one word but I knew something was wrong because his eyes looked like he had the devil in him. Plates dropping and smashing, yelling and screaming. I walk to the kitchen and see my mother there in my fathers arm, the knife would of cut her if she kept squirming. He told her to be quiet and demanded for me to go to my room. But I couldn't, I stood there. My shirt was soaking wet because my tears droped so frequently. I didn't know what to do. I never witnessed my mommy so terrified in my life. I couldn't believe how such a dramatic thing could be happening, I only seen this in movies. When I got to my room I fell to the ground, held my head between my legs and balled my eyes out. This was the day when I realized life wouldn't be the same.

:-/

Memories kill me and thinking if life is really suppose to be this way just kill me. I hate feeling the way I'm feeling now. I don't know whats what. I am so confused and I just come out rude. I do what I do to please myself so next time you say 'that bitch is fake' dont underestimate me cause I will go hard forever. They say if something is meant to be in your life then it will always find is way back. But what happens when I feel like shit cause I don't know if I made the right decision or not. This is all mind bogging. Shit my life is an intrumental, put when the words pour out my mouth they flood.

This is how am feeling.

Mistakes are part of our pasts. And that my friend is an great example of Inevitable, regretable like "fuck man that shit is unforgetable."- Yours Truly.

Guys.

Theres so many out there. The diversity of all men is beautiful. Did I mention that there are many cute ones too ? Ugh, I just can't get enough. I do what I do with my realationships with guys. I know what I am doing. I am getting a taste of whatever is out there. So that when its time for me to get married I know percisely what I want. Smart men is such a turn on, oh my god you don't even know. When I see intelligence in a man thats like 38378937 points right there. They keep me infatuated because I know that they can hold a conversation and they know what they want. True love will find me one day. I don't know what to call whats going on in my life currently. But for now I will be procastinating. I have no ring on my finger you see. Another thing, I can't feel restricted to freedom because all hell will break loose. I will not be controlled by any man , at a moment I may let him feel like he has the upper hand but in reality I run shit. Yes, I can get agressive but is that a bad thing ? No, it just simply means I know what I want.

Sometimes running away seems like the best solution to most of our problems. But what happens when we have to come back and face reality? We have to confront our fears one day. I've been behind this facade for a long time now, and its kind of hard to get out. I have accustomed to my many ways and won't have anyone tell me different.

Vent

I do as I please. Yes I will get things done when I feel like it. Seriously it is my life I don't need no co-piolte. I will do me and I will stunt even harder for the hating ass bitches. I know that some people claim to be your nigga and what not but I ain't no fool , I can smell fakes and my senses are very distinctive. I do not like to be rushed under no circumstances.

Hold up let me digest that, you said I'm the best and theres nothing else above that. I have you feeling like a king in bewteen the sheets, but my intelligence is what keeps you hooked.

Okay so here it goes. This is the story that every young girl knows. When she puts her feelings out there to the world it all comes trembling back as she falls. Theres nothing in this world that will help her get up. Shes beat down, no hope and lack of faith. Going insane with all the false accusations , they were so redundant. Sick of all the lies , she'll hold herself while she cried in her sleep. Church made a difference for a while but it all went back to the same shit. Sex,weed,guys and more lies. She felt so down in the gudda, felt so timid to talk to her mother. But she is no longer blinded by these ignorant fools that walk on the surface of this earth. Shes learned that she need no one but herself to make it.

Mila Kunis

My reality just set in.

Me, myself & I

I will always be me. I will never let anyone interfere with that EVER. I've been down that road to many times before and I have came to the jurisdiction that that error will no longer be commited. I've seen myself down way too many times.I have accecpted myself with flaws and all. No one is perfect and no one needs to be. Being your own bestfriend is an advantage that is highly reassuring.

Finally writers block is gone !

I hate regreting stuff, thats why I have put a final procastination to it. I hate when memories or certain types of smells linger around me. It kills me. I hate having one thought in my head for too long and rewinding that shit over, and over, and over again. But like I said I have to put all my faults and mistakes behind me and become a better person. When I look back though I say "what the fuck was I thinking". Seriously I am happy I know all that I know now. Its fun being acknowledge to life and everything that it brings. That means next time I wont fall and stumble over that same rock. I will walk around it and lead a new path. I observe everything and I am always the one to catch that tiny little detail that no one else caught. I admire anyone who recognizes there fucks ups and reiterates whatever they were trying to overcome in the first place. Did you know that being REAL is key baby? Didn't you know? Give it a shot. And always believe in yourself and stand up for whatever you like. Be strong because thats all it takes, of course there is always going to be those haters but it aint nothing but a G thang. Means you doing something right.

dile al amor

I don't want to sound redundant but having someone by your side is not that bad after all. I mean with the constant disagreements and whatever the case may be, NO relationship is perfect.

Don't stop get it, get it!

Life. It can change drasticly from one day to the next. My feelings towards life blossoms daily. I mean theres no way to dodge every obstacle possible right? I might as well get my shit out of the way so that I could live my life peacefully. I admit to being angry when things don't go my way and I've learned that when things like that happen to simply change my perspective of looking at life. I hate dwelling on something because you never get anything out of it. I have to keep moving foward baby, because there is nothing good for me in my past.

Feburary 1st

Well hello Feburary :) Didn't expect you so soon but here you are. You've dropped your bags at the door and got comftable.. You also brought your meanist cold with you as well. I hope that this month will be a good one. One where I will be exposed to reality or something really beautiful. I am tired of being restord so hurry along now cause I cant wait for spring to arrive. Feburary you are also known for your heart filled day "Valentines Day" wich didn't struck my fancy to much this year. Its maybe because I'm done with all that corny shit.

?

I guess shit is working out how its suppose to. I'm getting calls from him and this must mean something. Yes I will do anything in my power to keep this together , but seriously am I really good at that ? I just came out of a unhealthy relationship and look at me barging in another like its no BIG deal when in reality is HUGE. I mean I'm just having fun right?.. As if toying with someones emotions is a game that everyone plays.. I don't know.

ReGAURDless

When the sun starts to set and the moon slowly rises, I convert into this person who remains openminded. As I utter the words that fall from my lips, eyes dart me down from any slight sense of bliss. Sometimes I make mistakes and beat myself up for it. Then a feeling of nostalgia forms around me, Its unbearable and I start to deflate. I am no longer gassed up, I am no longer high up. Salty tears rolling down the side of my cheeks, It can't be that long ago that I was yelling 'You gotta live it up'. Man, how time creeps up on us. It felt like yesterday I was kissing him now I'm kissing you, am I misunderstood? I won't be taken for a fool. My mind remains alert at all times, and I never let my guard down at any given time, just in case a motha fucka like you tends to trip.

Shaking my whole head.

Aight I will stop procastinating. I will do my writing for the day... Today has been splendid although I didn't spend it with " the love of my life " as he would say. Okay so I have a bit on a conflict on my hands...I broke up with the guy I was dating for 10 months for a guy I was merely in lust with a while back. I feel bad because I left him broken hearted.On top of that I am giving him some bullshit ass answer why I can't be with him anymore. But see the guy that I am currently with now is has better and I will state why : He lives wayyyy closer to me , like really Its not a bit of a hassel. He's a better fuck, no lie he has given me the best sex of my life. He is more affectionate. Like I could go on forever but let me stop shitting on the first guy. Hmm I like were I am going with this I just feel very badass.

Gmacckin

As I sit back and mack to all my niggas that be trying to kick it to me, Its the same old shit b..None of this is new to me you see , I've always been complimented on my looks; niggas go on and use the same trick out the book. I heard it all before, all the beautifuls, all the pretties all the wonderful " I'll give you the world ma", but in their languae is 'let me hit it'.. its always the same shit in store. Its crazy how they all fall head over heels for me and I havent even said one word. My beauty just amazes them that much I guess.. but they won't even make it to the second step. I just straight lay it down for the kid like 'yo I ain't looking for nothing but maybe in the future we could work it out some more'. Lol I'm no heart breaker I just don't beat around the bush , I wont even let him let his gaurd down lemme tell you in this second hook... I don't have time to be falling in love, so I won't lead you on cause listen then I'll be waisting my time. You think I'm a bitch ? Its aight though cause I agree , all ya mother fuckers made me this way sad and angry. Made me bitter to the soul for a second ya gave me nothing to live for.. But that won't be my route this time around thats why I know better now and live for myself before I live for any nigga.

HAITI

Wow, I just got the goose bumps. I thought Hati was okay after all the money that was donated, how ignorant of me right? I just finished watching the news and these people are fighting each other over a sack of rice.. Beating each other with sticks and all that grave shit.. Damn I hope I never have to encounter anything NEAR to that. I send my blessings out to Haiti.

Self everything.

Its always different. I am not thinking as I was yesterday. I have new motives, new ideas and new concepts of different things. I am one down ass chick. I try to understand everyone and their situations, only problem is that if I don't agree with your morals we might just clash.. Arguements may arise, but we grown so its not a big deal. We will put it behind us.. Experience is precious despite the scars and flash back it may have imprinted on you. But this is how we commute into better people. We have to learn how to put all of our alterior motives aside. Stop being so damn selfish, but its hypocritical at times because selfishness is the way to better yourself. Self-worth is one thing I belive in highly.. I just let someone I love go because of that.. No one can disregaurd my motives or my requests to just be respected.. When you respect yourself you will soon start to see everyone doing just so. Be true to yourself.

The day has come

So life moves on.. I cant like i really mean I CAN'T keep going back. It's so unhealthy. Today I think I made it pretty clear that you and I are done. It's so hard letting go because for a moment I thought we had something.. I'm here sitting reading your IM telling me how you know that you don't make me happy so god willing the next person I am with treats me right...

And I love it.

My day was cool,calm, and collective. I was distant so I was told, but so what. Anyways I'm chillin right now .. I've been very pensive today.. On my train ride home I was suming up the definition of "Love" in my words, and this is as far as I got: Love- Its when your at peace with yourself and surroundings. Your gaurd is no longer up but open to the eyes of those who have your love.. Hmm idk it still needs a little but of tuning up but whatever.. So I've been thinking about college. I have one more year till I graduate. And luckily I know that I do want to go to college and I do want a future and I do know what I want to major in. A couple years back I remember telling myself I don't even know what I want to do. But here i am pursuing my Writing career. This career will suit me well because I love to write my feelings out. This is were I express myself most. I was made for this. I mean theres so many different types of writing that varies. I'm either going with Creative Writing, Journalism .. or hmm idk .. I also made up my mind that I would like to write a book in the future. When I have experienced more and what not.. I am content with the person I am today. I am glad that I've always been the head and not the tail.

FML

Everytime I want nothing to do with you, you always come running. This is serious because this means I am not strong enough. I feel like I am a slave to your love. I trust you ... but not enough. And this makes me wonder if what you tell me is true. I fucking hate feeling this way FUCKKK !

S&A

I miss him So so so so much. On the second of this month, It made 10 months that I have known you. I am amazed because we worked out perfectly. I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday. I am glad that I didn't listen to my cousin and kept my life going with you because for the two months that I did decide to stop I was living in agony. You found your way back to me. I'm happy with you and your imperfections. Because you know I look beyond those. I give into you so easily baby and I don't know its just something that you do to me. And I'll be damned if I were to let you go. I know better though. All I wanted to do is show my appreciation for you so here it is. I love you. Oh and congrats you just got your liecense :)